How to panic in 4 easy steps

Panicking works for zombie apocalypses, bad news, pandemics, and it can Work. For. You. 

Step one: Do not consider pertinent information or form a plan. Critical thinking and planning are enemies to panic. This is non-negotiable. If panicking is the goal, please don’t think deeply. Do not see yourself as a member of a community. You alone know what’s right, and you alone are responsible for reminding the others they’re wrong. 

Step two: Do not merely consider the seriousness of the situation or make smart decisions in response — that is staying grounded in reality. You must escalate. Share statistics that focus only on catastrophic conclusions.

Step three: If you have a conflict with friends, work, or life in general DO NOT engage the other party in problem-solving discussions. Internalize the point of conflict, complain to others, even go to the media to stoke the fires of discontent, but DO. NOT. LISTEN. to another point of view. This is important.

Step four: If there are plentiful essential resources, hoard them. If you fill your shelves with toilet paper and your counters with rotting bananas, it will solidify your sense of omnipotence. Empathy, like critical thinking, is counterproductive to panic. 

Now you’re ready. Go get panicked!

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